I need to focus on my job-life and my friendships. I don't need a man, whatsoever. My friendships and my career is what I need to keep healthy.

I love you all.

I learned something about myself tonight.

Today I borrowed a book from work. It's Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott. It's about a girl, "Alice" who gets kidnapped at 10 by a man named Ray and abused and raped for five years after.

A lot of things that she said kind of hit home with me.

I realized tonight that no matter what kind of abuse you go through, the emptiness you get is all relatively the same, although each situation will always be different.

I learned by reading this that I'm always going to be the insecure little rape victim. Although I have overcome certain fears and am now, finally, able to be alone with a guy friend or "love" interest again, I will always have the deep insecurities eating away at my heart. I will always have the fear of being raped, beaten, broken again. I will always be scared.

I am human. When you are human and you go through something both mentally and or physically scarring, no matter who you are, you will never be able to "get over it".

I just hope my ending wont be like hers.

She felt free when she died.

I'm having such a difficult time being happy.
I just want to forget I ever dated him, but every night I have a nightmare about him.

I can still remember every time we spent together like it just happened yestaday.

I don't want to remember him. I don't even like him anymore. I really don't.

He just had a huge impact on my life.

I need a man who can do that, that will treat me right this time.

I need a man who will call me sweet things, who will pay for ME, who will make sure I'm okay whenever I'm upset. Who will be there for me.

He wasn't. At all. And that hurts me a lot.

I just want to feel what I felt with him the first two weeks I knew him.

After those first two weeks everything sucked so much :/

What hurts the most is that you want me so deleted from your life that you even tell your friends to not contact me in any way. Why? What the fuck did I ever do to you? Huh?

I just want you to grow up.

Please, for my sake and your friends, grow up and stop having issues for no reason.

I need to get this off my chest before I explode.

I need to express how shitty you were to me, because some people don't even realize it.

I know I didn't until half of it was shown and proven to me by others.

I bought you everything.

I got you movie tickets.

Weed.

Cigarettes.

I spent so much just to get down there and back.

I'd bring you food.

I cut my hair for you.

You'd never even call me beautiful.

You'd never even text me first, if any at all.

I don't care if it's just texting.

I was supposed to be important to you.

I was supposed to be someone you always wanted to talk to.

Boyfriends want to talk to their girlfriends from morning to night.

There's countless guys who do so with me now; Who always have.

Why are you the one who didn't?

& Then I find out who you really are.

Not just from my own experiences.

There are people close to you; People who've known you almost your whole life who've recently showed me the kind of person you really are. How immature and cowardly you are.

I swear if I knew the real you I would have never gone out with you in the first place.

I should have ended it the day you started to dis-invite me to things.

I shouldn't have taken it.

The only reason why I never believed people that you were a "bad boyfriend" is because you never put a hand on me. But when you're going out with someone who flat out tells you he doesn't want you to be somewhere with him because he doesn't want to give you attention that night, when you're going out with someone who tells you he doesn't want to talk to you, when you're dating someone who never even compliments you or anything... Something isn't right there.

I want to thank the countless people who've showed me this.

I want to thank everyone for making me realize how much of a fool I was to even shed a tear over this. This is a good thing, you dumping me. I'm honestly ridiculously happy with your decision.

There are guys that haven't given up on me, and they'd treat me so much better. They can give me what I need, and they will. And when I find out which one will be the best for me, then he will give me something you never have.

I don't regret you though.

It was amazing at first, and you showed me that I AM able to get passed what one terrible ex did to me four years ago. Not completely, but there's definitely a great deal of difference between how I am with guys now.

I'm actually proud of myself!

I'm also thankful that I met your amazing friends through you.

Hopefully one day you'll be able to truly get over you dumping me and we can be friends as well.

xxxxx

Well.
I can honestly say that I saw this coming.
Thank you for having me waste my time and money.
Thank you for lying to me and making me think that my friend was lying to me.
Thank you for making me think that I meant something.
Thank you for never calling me pretty or beautiful when every other guy on this planet did.
Thank you for never wanting to talk to me.
Thank you for dis-inviting me to sleep over and go to parties with you.

But most of all, I really want to say thank you for helping me realize how much I was right these past four years. Thank you for helping me see that I must never, ever put my walls down for any man. Thank you for helping me see that I should never put a man before myself. Thank you for teaching me how much I must never trust a human that carries around a dick like it's the best thing to ever have to somebody.


Thanks for hurting me.
Thanks for being the reason why I just lost 8 pounds puking my fucking insides out.
Thanks for giving me the worst head ache ever.
Thanks for having me cry in the arms of my mother.
Thanks for the high hopes that you decided to crash the fuck down and drown me in.

Dick.

Are you still dizzy? My body's been a mess.

I am so fucking cold right now.
I'm at Mary's with an empty bag of funyuns and a full bottle of powerade and a not so full back of camel menthes.
Ohhhhey Dexter Season 4.

I want a chance to do everything differently.

Just one chance. Please?

Revelation: Hypocrisy and karma go hand in hand.

I've been really bad with my medication lately and I've been having panic attacks through the roof, and for that, my lovely friends, I am deeply sorry, and I send out the most heart-felt apologies to you all.

I need to listen to the very advice that I, myself, send out to other people. I need to learn how to say you do what you need to do in life, and fuck the rest. Fuck whoever and whatever tries to stop you from acting out on your own volitions. The healthiest of lives is those that take account for their own actions, does good for themselves and for those they love, and just pays absolutely no mind to the scum that tries to contaminate their lives.

I'm just going to stop trying.

Lessons, Learned.

You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth.
We all die; The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.
The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly.
The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report, don't participate.
There are a lot of things we don't want to know about the people we love.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying, organic matter as everyone else and we are all a part of the same compost pile.
All of the effort in the world won't matter if you aren't inspired.
Your handwriting, the way you walk, which china pattern you choose... It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary.
In a world where billions believe their deity conceived a mortal child with a virgin human, it's stunning how little imagination most people display.
Yes, terrible things happen. But, sometimes, those terrible things... They save you.
You must jump into disaster with both feet!
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined efforts of everyone I've ever known.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.
You will always have some excuse not to live your life.
Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room: You feel really silly.
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF AND GO LIVE THERE.
When you don't share your problems, you resent hearing the problems of other people.
It's easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It's a lot more difficult to preform one.
If you could be God's worst enemy or nothing at all which would you choose?

I think it's funny when I look at both sides of my own selfish thinking.

It frustrates me how much I can't piece together my life.
I feel like every god damn person has a reason on this fucking planet except for me.
And if everything DOES happen for a reason then why the fuck did she did? Or why the FUCK did he rape me? Or why the FUCK did they break my fucking knee caps in with a bat or slam my fucking head into a brick wall or tell me that I'm worthless and disgusting and hideous? Why the fuck did I have to make such a god damn bad rep for myself? Why the fuck does everyone hate me so fucking much?
Why the fuck doesn't any one give me another chance? I'm a good fucking person. Why can't people just fucking see this? I try so god damn fucking hard to be liked and accepted by people while at the same time just being myself and, I hate to be a hypocrite, but it isn't fucking working at all. I feel so fucking annoying and obnoxious and I don't even genuinely think anything positive about myself. And I know, I know, blahblahblah go cry more bullshit, right?
But here's the thing. I'm not even typing for pity, I'm typing to try and piece together what ever the fuck the meaning for MY life is.
There has to be some logical explanation why Jenna died, and I took her place. How and why did I make it to this fucking earth but she didn't? My parents are right, she probably WOULD have been a better daughter, hell, even a better PERSON than whatever the fuck it is that I am. There has to be some logical explanation for everything in my life, and it's drives me fucking MAD that I can't figure it out.
It drives me up a fucking wall that I have potential but my fucking mind prevents me from acting it out. And I know that I need to fight it but I just... can't. I just fucking can't. I can't fight the panic attacks or the paranoia. I can't fight any of it.
I am just one fucking person. I am just one fucking woman. I'm just a little fucking girl, for fuck's sake. I can't fucking do this on my own!
Why the fuck did you take away my best friend? Why the fuck did you take away the one person that made me good? How the fuck could you do that to us? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I'm so fucking mad at you and I don't even know if you fucking exist or not.
You probably even don't, which would make sense, because I have no one to be mad at but my fucking self. Every bad thing that's ever happened to me, I can definitely blame myself for, me, no one else. If only she had stayed over, she'd be alive. If only I chose to not take you back, you would have never raped me. If only I had decided to stand up for myself, you wouldn't have broken a damn bone in my body; You wouldn't have said one damn thing about me in any negative way.
While most girls are programmed that they're beautiful or that they're strong or confident, I've been programmed to believe that I wasn't the one who should have been fucking born. I was programmed to believe that I am so repulsive in both a physical and personal aspect that no one truly wants to be around me. I'm a pity fuck.
I'm a pity friend. Hell, I don't do a damn good thing for anyone but just fucking be there. I just hold your secrets, I just help you when you cry. But I can't give you anything else and that kills me.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? GOD DAMN YOU. God damn you for warping my fucking mind. I don't even know how to be a girlfriend to a normal fucking guy. I'm used to just having to buy them whatever they tell me to buy them, or to just fucking hold still while they hit me. I feel so fucking pathetic.
God dammit I can't even fucking pull myself together.
& God fucking hell I miss you Kayla. I can't even remember your fucking touch anymore; I can't even fucking remember what your hugs felt like! I can't even remember the sound of your voice. The only thing I remember about you is how you'd say my name. & You know what? I'm going to fucking hold on to that until my last breath.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

This Rant Is Lonnnnng Overdue:

I am tired of consistently having these terrible thoughts running through my mind every second that I'm awake, so I shall type these out, and that will be the end of their existence.

Steve McKim-

You are a piece of shit. You wanna know why I never went out with you again? Because your head is more fucked up than mine is, and that is one terrifying fact to behold. You are so fucking ugly inside that half the time I was ever even friends with you it made me sick to my stomach, which is why I never even really enjoyed hanging out with you. You are boring. You are awkward. You are the most negative waste of space I have ever come across. And you know something? I fucking feel sorry for you, even after all of those terrible things you've ever said about me:

• "It's your fault you were raped."
• "You're so ugly inside."
• "You're so ugly."
• "You're fucking fat."
• "You're a whore."
• "You deserve being abused."
• "You deserve the worst in life."

/Etc. Well you know what? You're fucking wrong. About all of it. I don't deserve ANY of that. I feel so sorry for you, Steven. I feel sorry that you will never have a true friend. I feel sorry that you will never be able to love anybody, let alone yourself. I feel sorry that you have absolutely ZERO fucking skills in life and that you will eventually just amount to more nothingness. Have fun with your future, because there is none.

Steve Fritchey-

Do you have any idea at all how special you were? You were the first guy I let fuck me in four fucking years and just as easily, might I add, you became the second biggest male-mistake of my life, thus far. You weren't even fucking good at it. Your dick was small and thin. Your cum tasted terrible. You had zero tongue and finger game and I pretty much only felt so much for you because of the fact that we fucked, otherwise, you are a terrible, terrible man. You think you're so fucking mature but since the day I started talking to you it was the same old childish bullshit. I am so glad that I am freed from you and everything you put me through. You told me that any man would hurt me like you did. You told me that any man would leave me like you did. Dude... You made me fuck you in the mud and cement, in the rain, on MY fucking birthday, and then fucking bailed on me because your bitch-ass saw a cop. Thanks, fucker, for those zero orgasms.

Malcolm McMillan-

I don't even really know what to say to or about you because you're generally a nice guy, but the fact that I cannot, will not, and will never trust a damn thing that comes out of your mouth sort of puts a dent in your character. You're STILL after me even though I have a boyfriend and you are fucking engaged. One word comes to mind, boy: Trash.

Conor Scharr-

"Once upon a time a girl named Kat had an amazing boyfriend who took her around the world then they got rich and died and came back to life and lived forever as zombie lovers :)"

This is why we're dating.

This is why I'm so happy with you.

This is why you're, to-date, THE best boyfriend that I have ever had.

If the only thing I can complain about is that you don't text me as much as I desire, then shit, I'm ridiculously fucking lucky <3

All you other ex's can fucking suck my dick. It's probably bigger then yours' anyway.

I'm so happy.

Yes, I was really nervous before, but hanging out with him, I just realize that that was absolutely me just being paranoid. So that's all good and well.

& I am so fucking stoked about my promotion to permanent. That worry was eating away at me from all sides.

Soon I shall be going to college online for business. I wish I could experience it like the rest of my friends, but this isn't possible because of the attacks but I suppose there's some sort of cosmic reason for that unbeknownst to be, so I'll let that be.

Sometimes I look at my ex's like Jimmy or Steve... Sometimes that just fucks up my insides, but I need to keep telling myself that they're so far in my past that I can't even let them become my present again. Ever. Even if my thoughts are incredibly consistent with their reappearance.

I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter what happens to me... it just wont kill me. I need to get back up, brush the dirt off and keep on walkin'

HATERZGONHATELIKELAWLZ.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything.

I fucking hate this.

I feel like everything from here on out will be totally fucking different.

Hell, I know it will be.

We're all going to grow apart. And I know, I know... that's life. But I don't fucking like it.

Not one bit.

I feel like my hearts being ripped out right now.

These are the days I can never, ever allow myself to forget.

You held me in your arms, kissed my forehead and told me that I was ugly inside. You told me that I was almost as ugly on the inside as I was on the outside... and then you left me. You walked out of my room, down my steps, out my side-door and you just left me there. You never texted me or called me again.

I know that I have no reason to even be thinking of you right now. I'm happy. But... Those words... they've stuck in my subconscious until just now, and they exploded inside my head. Now this is all I can think about.

I hate how words can have such power over someone.

I really wish you never passed away :/
Lately I've been reminded of a lot of inside jokes that we have.
& I still get the urge to go on aim, see your screenname, see you say "heey dahhhling!" to me and we'd just.... talk. For fucking hours. And then realize that that isn't good enough to we'd walk up the street to meet up with each other.
I just wish we could still sing together.
I wish we could still laugh together and just...... be best friends still.
I still can't believe that even after so long since your passing I still have a difficult time holding a grip on this reality.
I really do wish that there was a heaven out there.
Then I'd be able to see you again.

I've put up a fucking lot from you. You've always lied to me. You've always put me down and made me feel like shit about myself. You've always treated my mum and I like shit with your fucking anger issues. This is not how you fucking treat your daughter. I never demanded that you even give me money. The only time I asked for it to begin with was for fucking food and bus money. I'm sorry that I need to eat and get around. I don't ask you to buy me a fucking car. I ask, no sorry, asked for two fucking dollars and some change. How the fuck are you gonna go behind my back and keep tabs on me like this? This is why you have no one. You let money control your fucking life. You became a cold hearted hypocrite. I am awfully excited for the day that you look back on your life and ask yourself "Shit. What have I become?"

Life is exactly what you make of it, & if you don't step forward then you will always be five steps further back from everyone else's progress. Mark me.

I know not what will happen to me in my future, but one thing I do know for sure is that no matter WHAT comes my way, I'll survive. I am durable and I am capable.

Five Random Thoughts of the Day:

1. I very much enjoy every second I have on this earth with him.
2. I very much am in love with every second I have on this planet with my closest friends.
3. I oh so terribly hate stalkers with every ounce of my being.
4. I am oh so amused with how many novels I am writing at once.
5. I am happy with life.

Now finally, I must admit what I've been afraid to admit for a while now:

I am going to miss you all very much. Life will feel so bitter and empty without you in it every weekend :/ Please promise to see me / have me visit as much as possible. I love you all so fucking much.

;D

Kitty didn't log out!
Love, Maddie.

I feel as if we're ash. Have you ever actually help a clump of ash in your hands? You can crush it into your skin with your bare fucking fingertips. You can mold it into your skin and make it become a part of you. That how we are to others, and that's how others are to us. No matter how hard we try to push them out of our lives, they just burry farther into our very pours. The second we meet somebody, their energy, their personality, they, themselves, become a part of us. No matter what, we cannot erase a person from our lives.

It's just like how the other day I was looking at my mirror, truly studying it, and I thought of how there's a layer of glass before the reflection. Which made me wonder if that's why when people look deep down within us hard enough, that's when we shatter.

"You have those walls up all around you…Come a day you gonna want to tear them down brick by brick and gonna find that the cement is all hard. What you gonna do then?"

THE DEAR ONE, JACQUELINE WOODSON

Clementine: Joely?

Joel: Yeah Tangerine?

Clementine: Am I ugly?

Joel: Uh-uh.

Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.

Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.

Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.

Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...

“It amazes me that you can find all that shit even remotely interesting. College: getting in or not getting in. Trouble: getting in or not getting in. School: getting A’s or getting D’s. Career: having or not having. House: big or small, owning or renting. Money: having or not having.
It’s all so boring.
Did you know that for pretty much the entire history of the human species, the average life span was less than thirty years? You could count on ten years or so of real adulthood, right? There was no planning for retirement. There was no planning for a career. There was no PLANNING. No time for planning. No time for a future. But then the life spans started getting longer, and people started having more and more future, and so they spent more time thinking about it. About the future. And now life has BECOME the future.
Every moment of your life is lived for the future - you go to high school so you can go to college so you can get a good job so you can get a nice house so you can afford to send your kids to college so they can get a good job so they can get a nice house so they can afford to send their kids to college.”

kayla, i wish you were here so i could talk to you. i wish i could tell you everything that's been going on in my life, because truth be told: i don't believe that there is a heaven, and i don't believe that there is a hell. i believe that when we die, the only thing that continues on forever is our energy, and sometimes, i swear, i can still feel your energy.
speaking of, kay, i just finished a book the other day, it's called paper towns and it's about the main character's best friend running away and he runs all over the place trying to find her.

well... the other night i had a dream. and i ran all over trying to find you, just like in the book. and at the end, i did find you. but then i woke up, and i realized that i will never find you.

i have come to the realization that love is just noise, and sometimes you have to grow deaf just to live the rest of your life out. if you don't, you're going to fall through the cracks... and we must never become invisible like that.

i know that hope weighs on your mind, lost within the seams. it seems like we lose ourselves in between. but the harder things become, the harder you push away. oh baby, yeah baby it kills me.

cause you said it, you said it. i’ll take you at your word. these promises that you can’t keep, it’s getting harder to hold on. you said it, you said it. don’t ever let me fall. don’t give up because you’re losing (you haven’t lost).

in time you’ll find that we can sober up, clean up any dirt so we can open up. these wounds have been open for forever now. come on, be strong. your mind has gotten the best of you. you’ve done enough and you are enough. let’s fall asleep tonight, i’ll hold you close and show you you’re not broken.

hold on.

don’t you think if it’s meant to be, it will be? don’t you think things will work out eventually? hold on.

for once, i legitimately feel beautiful, strong and all-around good about myself.

soooo.... apparently i'm not allowed to vent / talk to / cry over / etc about my rape, guy shit, kayla (and so on, so forth) to my close friends. apparently they "don't care" & "i only do it for attention".




so, i'm ohhhh so sorry (syke) for wanting to talk to my close friends about my problems. i'm ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so sorrrrrrrrrrry for venting to them when they know for a fact that they could get in touch with me 24/7 at any given situation and do the same with me.

fucking asshole.
get out of my life.

i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves i love it when models have curves.

<3

sorry, but i can't pretend to be okay anymore. & i can't pretend to be strong anymore. because i'm not. i am a weak, pathetic and ignorant piece of shit. i am worthless. why would i let myself get that close to a guy? why? why would i ever let a man touch me like that? why would i ever force myself to touch him back? i am fucking STUPID. i should have known you'd use me. i should have known you'd do this. after all the years i've known you and i didn't stop myself? i am an idiot.

and you. you're murdering fucking bitch. how dare you get out of jail early? you were in for barely two fucking years and you fucking killed my best friend. if it wasn't for her i wouldnt be the same person that i am. and you fucking killed her. you killed my best friend and all you say is that you're sorry? you're SORRY?! I LOST THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU. she was there for me 24/7. shit, she was WITH ME almost just as much, and now shes not even on this fucking planet because of you. her body is in a fucking ditch 6 ft under and it's all your fault, and you're just going to run away?

no. fuck that. i'm so sick and tired of trying to act like everything is okay. everything is not okay. i am a broken soul.

Melissa Mann 9:43 am
(9:43:25 AM): I love you and think possitive!!!! we are going to try to get a law started called KAYLA'S LAW...and change the way hit and runs are dealt with!!!!

(9:43:47 AM): put all your anger into helping this happen ok?

i love kayla's mum so much <3

I'm just so fucking depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up, in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when, I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm startin' to feel distant again, so I decided to just pick this pen
Up to try to make an attempt to vent, but I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shits so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you got to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside eachothers minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through eachothers eyes
But don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humour
Everything's so tense and gloom, I
Almost feel like I gotta check the temperature of the room
Just as soon as I walk in, It's like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that it then it opens the door for conversation, like I want that
I'm not looking for extra attention, I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fuckin' man servant, tryna follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack, and half of them ain't even funny, like "AAHHHHH!
Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down, listen to the tale I'm about to tell, hell
We don't gotta trade our shoes, and you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside eachothers minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through eachothers eyes
But don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could of either just sat on my ass, and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me, keep making that face til it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there holding my tounge, tryna talk like BLEGH!
Then I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign pole at eight years old
I learned my lesson then, 'cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based off my description
Cause where you see it form where you're sitting, is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a miles in eachothers shoes at least
What size you wear, I wear 10's, let's see if you can fit your feet.

i wonder if shit will ever change for me.
i am envious over friends of mine because they can fuck around with and date other guys.

i mean, i could too. no doubt about that.

boys fall in love with me. boys fight over me. boys want me. boys use me. boys ask me out...

but why is it that when one holds me, i feel nothing?

why is it that when one kisses me or hugs me i feel empty?

i dont understand what is wrong with my head.

i mean, i understand.

but really - i don't...

i don't even know if i have the job or if i don't, but fear is forbidding me to think positive.

i wish i was heartless so i could stop caring about people and how they fucking treat me.

i wish i moved far away so i could start my entire life over.

i wish i had talent that could actually get me somewhere in life that wasn't writing and photography, since that obviously wont get me much money if any at all.

i wish i actually had a chance at getting a job when i go job hunting tomorrow.

i wish you and i never became friends in the first place.

you think i don't know how i look to everyone? you think i don't know that i probably look like a liar even though i'm NOT lying because you treat everyone golden but me? you think that makes me feel good about myself? i feel like fucking shit.

i want to run away.

i want to leave to the point of not kidding anymore.

the only reason why i'm still here is for the few close friends that i have but after this summer they'll be gone as well. then what? what will i have then? parents who are practically already on their death beds?

what hurts the most is that this is all my fault.

it's my fault that i might not get a job. i'm the one who dropped out of highschool.

it's my fault i don't trust people. i don't even trust myself.

it's my fault i was raped. i'm the dumbass who loved him in the first place.

it's my fault i went out with guys who beat me.

its my fault i went out with guys who called me fat and ugly.

its my fault i stayed friends with an asshole.

its my fault that karma hates me.

its my fault that i have so many health issues.

its all my fault. and i can't fix the half of it.

thankfully noone reads these things.

it gives me more motivation to vent.

sooo... i thought i remembered everything from that night but apparently i didnt.

because a repressed memory hit me. and it hit me pretty hard.

after he did it. we were both shaking.

i was shaking out of fear. i suspect he was shaking out of shame.

at least i hope so.

he threw my clothes from the car floor to the front and let me back up. he asked me where i needed to get dropped off at. my cell phone was dead. five hours later and i had no idea if my friends were still at the mall. i told him to go there. he walked with me but didn't touch me. he couldn't even look at me. i had bruises. i seriously had bruises from him. i could barely walk because my body ached and i was shaking so much that my legs were barely stable. i searched that entire mall with the man that just raped me and i couldnt find a single soul to run too. he told me they must have left me and i started to cry. we walked back to his car and he dropped me off at a gas station not too far from bpt because he needed to go find his cousins. i had no idea where i was and i walked for almost an hour until i found something at least some what remember-able. i was close to a friend arthur's house. i had remembered that that monster told me mark would be there. i thought it was my best friend mark. my mind was so fucked up that i had completely forgotten that mark was working and that it was a different mark, so, crying, i told art goodbye without telling him what had happened (surely he wouldnt believe me. how could someone like his best friend do that to a girl? i was right, because he doesn't. to this day.) i kept walking. i noticed megs house. i knock on her door and she answers and i just..... i collapsed. i collapsed in her arms and couldnt pull myself together. just her touching me hurt me because my body was so fucking swollen and aching. all i could say was that he made me do it. i couldnt speak any other words but those. she told me that everyone was still at the mall where mark worked while he was closing up. her and her mum drove me there.

we get there and i told them. my ex best / becoming best again - friend - was there as well. i looked her right in the eyes and told her. and she still denies what he did to me. even though he TOLD her, etc.

i had to tell annette that night.

i had to watch her cry and i couldnt do anything about it.

i had to get a pregnancy test because he was too drugged up to wrap it.

i lost my dignity. a lot of my friends. my mother's trust in guys for me. my trust in boys...

yeah. i'm never going to recover.

ever.

I've made my bed, so I'll lie in it.
I've dug my grave, so God help me die in it.

////////////////////////////////////

mind you, i'm still in a reasonably happy state in my life, but seeing as i'm manic depressive...

well, i have my moments.

you.

you are such a fucking hypocrite. you are a liar. you are a terrible person to be around. you act like an abusive fucking boyfriend and i don't even fucking want you like that. you curse me out. you talk down on me and my integrity. you tell me i'm a terrible friend. you tell me things like "shut the fuck up" when you start your arguments with me. you always make me feel bad for liking other guys when it's clearly impossible for me to ever date or have a future with one, yet its perfectly fucking okay for you to talk to, about, hang out with, or hook up with other chicks. funny. and it's not that i care that you do any of those things, because i assure you, i really fucking don't, what i care about is how fucking hypocritical you are with me. i'm "not allowed" to injure myself (when i've had BDD since i was a fucking child) whereas you make 18 cuts on your shoulder within your entire existence and you want to get XVIII tattooed on your to "express your harsh and tiresome battle with depression' my fucking ass! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S FUCKING LIKE. again, this isn't like a battle: who has more cuts, who has more scars. it's the principal of things. it's like an insult. but no, i think what upsets me the most is that you tell everyone that our fights are all my fault. especially when you start oh, what, about 91% of them? yep. sounds about right. i am so tired of looking like a bad person with people.

i'm all about respect, so why the fuck must i be disrespected?

okay, /rant.

:D

:)

my life is reasonably amazing atm. & i refuse to let this feeling end.
i am completely comforted by the fact that the friends that i have in my life right at this moment will always be in my life. and i love every bit of that.

i just received my first tattoos and was accepted on fyt.

i received a new phone (enV3) & i am infuckinglove with it something fierce.

i'm going to henry james with annette and andre on sunday which is a place we used to go to every day after i was done school for eight years of my childhood to have a proper lunch.

next week annette and i are going up to the plymouth meeting mall so i can job hunt.

i'm not being rushed to move out or even get a job (although the determination is definitely there, nevertheless) and i am ridiculously comforted by this because no rush = no stress.

i just feel like everything is shaping up for me a bit.

thank you for always being there for me, girls, might i add.

words definitely cannot express how grateful i am for that. i love you to death.

i want to have a boyfriend. i want to fall in love. i want to have sex. i want to MAKE love. i want to be fucking happy with a man. i want to get married one day. i want to have a family. i want to have a child. i want to be loved by someone. i don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. this isn't fucking fair at all. every time i go anywhere i see a happy couple. it isn't right. why should i have to live like this? why the fuck can't i get over this? other victims do. why the fuck can't i? why the fuck did you do this to me in the first place? how the fuck can you just fucking live your life not even asking if i'm okay? why wont you at least fucking admit what you did to those who STILL fucking think i LIED about this? i can't fucking believe you ruined me like this. i remember when i was with you every fucking day. i remember being in love with you. i remember having sex with you just so you'd fucking tell me that you loved me. i remember being happy and you promising me that we'd get married one day. i even remember when we thought i was pregnant and you promised we'd have a family. get a house. share a life together. why the fuck did you have to do this to me? i cant have one fucking night asleep without seeing you fucking rape me. i cant fucking breathe right now. i fucking hate myself for this. you've made me fucking hate myself. all i am to any guy anymore is a fucking rape victim. i'm damaged fucking goods because of you. you fucking broke my integrity. you broke everything good that i had going for my future. i fucking have nobody because of you. i cant fucking be alone with any guy without being scared that theyre going to fucking rape me. i cant. i cant do this. anymore. i dont want to fucking be alive. it literally hurts me to fucking be alive. it fucking pains me to see people happy when i'm miserable. i cant even keep down food at the moment. i cant fucking pretend to be strong anymore. i cant pretend that i'm pretty anymore or that i have potential. i cant fucking lie to myself. i'm fucking useless. i'm not even a good friend. i'm nothing. i have nothing fucking going for me.

i don't know what i would do if i ever lost annette. she is my best friend; she is everything to me and i don't even know how to be stable just thinking about it.
i know she doesn't have much time left and that thought alone makes me fucking sick to my stomach.
i wish she told me about this hospital shit that's going to be going on tomorrow.
i cant even fucking comprehend how scared i am. and... how... weird... it'd be in my home if it was just andre and i. no mother there to clean up after us or cook for us or care for us or love us.

i don't know what to do.
i don't know who to talk to.
i don't know who to go to.
i don't know how to react.

Green finch, and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate
sitting in cages
never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits
beckoning!
Beckoning!
Just beyond the bars...
How can you remain
staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
anything?
How is it you sing?
My cage has many rooms
damask and dark...
Nothing there sings,
not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
when they're captive.
Teach me to be more
adaptive.
Ah.....
Green Finch, and Linnet Bird,
nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly...
Let me sing.

abckatdefg (1:09:59 PM):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Chase<3

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:12:02 PM):

No, Kat. Take the <3>

abckatdefg (1:12:27 PM):

?!

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:12:44 PM):

That guy's a loser. He wasn't a vampire just because he drank blood.

abckatdefg (1:12:51 PM):

<.<

abckatdefg (1:12:52 PM):

>.>

abckatdefg

1:14 pm

abckatdefg (1:14:24 PM):

takeitbackyouliar.

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:14:52 PM):

...He drank people's blood because he believed the nazis were after him. Not because he thought he was a vampire.

abckatdefg (1:17:34 PM):

thats what he wants you to think...

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:18:03 PM):

...I guess he does have the telltale signs of a Malkavian.

abckatdefg (1:18:31 PM):

you and that fucking game!

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:19:27 PM):

;D GANGREL4LIFE

abckatdefg (1:21:55 PM):

wow

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:22:05 PM):

Alright, Gryffindor.

abckatdefg (1:25:20 PM):

your just jealous that the hat put you in slytherin.

abckatdefg (1:25:22 PM):

thhhhhhhhhhhhhh\

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:26:41 PM):

No no, you're doing it wrong. It's more like this... thhhhhhhhhhhhh

abckatdefg (1:27:55 PM):

.... thats exactly what i said

abckatdefg (1:28:56 PM):

although you just sounded like hermione: "Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOHHHHHHsa, not... LevioSAH."

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:29:37 PM):

...I dunno why I love you.

abckatdefg (1:29:56 PM):

charisma?

life with batdan

abckatdefg (11:38:45 PM):
i am now inspecting my body for more freckles: one on my thigh near my vag. one ON my boob. two behind my good lobe. three around my bad ankle. a few on my arms.
...... god dammit.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:38:57 PM):
Heh heh heh...
abckatdefg (11:39:04 PM):
what?!
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:39:13 PM):
Need help? >;D
abckatdefg (11:39:19 PM):
sigh.
abckatdefg (11:39:24 PM):
sure... brother.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:39:46 PM):
Like that's gonna sway my opinion :)
abckatdefg (11:39:54 PM):
sigh.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:40:07 PM):
Fine, whatever.
abckatdefg (11:40:43 PM):
<3?!
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:40:58 PM):
I'll think about it.
abckatdefg (11:41:22 PM):
i think i have a birth mark on my ass cheek too. i cant remember though. hold on
abckatdefg (11:41:41 PM):
left.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:41:42 PM):
Okay but really. Why are you telling me any of this? It's not like you want me to see you naked.
abckatdefg (11:41:59 PM):
im just talking!
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:42:11 PM):
And you're also telling me about your body. So what am I picturing now?
abckatdefg (11:42:31 PM):
a borrrrrito.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:42:51 PM):
...It's burrito, and I hate you.
abckatdefg (11:43:24 PM):
no you dont!
abckatdefg (11:43:38 PM):
and i was saying it like *bohhhhh-reeeee-tohhhh*
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:43:52 PM):
I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE BURRITO.
abckatdefg (11:44:02 PM):
i'm hungry now.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:44:09 PM):
Wow.

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=6687275&albumID=772795&imageID=12363883#a=772795&i=9942245



^ why did i put myself through this?
why did i look at this?
why did i have to bring myself back to this time in my life?

i should have known that it was all a fucking lie.
the only time he'd EVER tell me that he loved me was when i'd give in and let him fuck me. correction: when i'd fuck him. i'd have to do all of the work.

is this what my life is going to be from now on?
never forgetting or getting the fuck over it?
put me in a fucking straight jacket and shoot me up with some fucking drugs, because i'd legitimately do anything to move on.

i would do anything just to forget.