I need to focus on my job-life and my friendships. I don't need a man, whatsoever. My friendships and my career is what I need to keep healthy.

I love you all.

I learned something about myself tonight.

Today I borrowed a book from work. It's Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott. It's about a girl, "Alice" who gets kidnapped at 10 by a man named Ray and abused and raped for five years after.

A lot of things that she said kind of hit home with me.

I realized tonight that no matter what kind of abuse you go through, the emptiness you get is all relatively the same, although each situation will always be different.

I learned by reading this that I'm always going to be the insecure little rape victim. Although I have overcome certain fears and am now, finally, able to be alone with a guy friend or "love" interest again, I will always have the deep insecurities eating away at my heart. I will always have the fear of being raped, beaten, broken again. I will always be scared.

I am human. When you are human and you go through something both mentally and or physically scarring, no matter who you are, you will never be able to "get over it".

I just hope my ending wont be like hers.

She felt free when she died.

I'm having such a difficult time being happy.
I just want to forget I ever dated him, but every night I have a nightmare about him.

I can still remember every time we spent together like it just happened yestaday.

I don't want to remember him. I don't even like him anymore. I really don't.

He just had a huge impact on my life.

I need a man who can do that, that will treat me right this time.

I need a man who will call me sweet things, who will pay for ME, who will make sure I'm okay whenever I'm upset. Who will be there for me.

He wasn't. At all. And that hurts me a lot.

I just want to feel what I felt with him the first two weeks I knew him.

After those first two weeks everything sucked so much :/

What hurts the most is that you want me so deleted from your life that you even tell your friends to not contact me in any way. Why? What the fuck did I ever do to you? Huh?

I just want you to grow up.

Please, for my sake and your friends, grow up and stop having issues for no reason.

I need to get this off my chest before I explode.

I need to express how shitty you were to me, because some people don't even realize it.

I know I didn't until half of it was shown and proven to me by others.

I bought you everything.

I got you movie tickets.

Weed.

Cigarettes.

I spent so much just to get down there and back.

I'd bring you food.

I cut my hair for you.

You'd never even call me beautiful.

You'd never even text me first, if any at all.

I don't care if it's just texting.

I was supposed to be important to you.

I was supposed to be someone you always wanted to talk to.

Boyfriends want to talk to their girlfriends from morning to night.

There's countless guys who do so with me now; Who always have.

Why are you the one who didn't?

& Then I find out who you really are.

Not just from my own experiences.

There are people close to you; People who've known you almost your whole life who've recently showed me the kind of person you really are. How immature and cowardly you are.

I swear if I knew the real you I would have never gone out with you in the first place.

I should have ended it the day you started to dis-invite me to things.

I shouldn't have taken it.

The only reason why I never believed people that you were a "bad boyfriend" is because you never put a hand on me. But when you're going out with someone who flat out tells you he doesn't want you to be somewhere with him because he doesn't want to give you attention that night, when you're going out with someone who tells you he doesn't want to talk to you, when you're dating someone who never even compliments you or anything... Something isn't right there.

I want to thank the countless people who've showed me this.

I want to thank everyone for making me realize how much of a fool I was to even shed a tear over this. This is a good thing, you dumping me. I'm honestly ridiculously happy with your decision.

There are guys that haven't given up on me, and they'd treat me so much better. They can give me what I need, and they will. And when I find out which one will be the best for me, then he will give me something you never have.

I don't regret you though.

It was amazing at first, and you showed me that I AM able to get passed what one terrible ex did to me four years ago. Not completely, but there's definitely a great deal of difference between how I am with guys now.

I'm actually proud of myself!

I'm also thankful that I met your amazing friends through you.

Hopefully one day you'll be able to truly get over you dumping me and we can be friends as well.

xxxxx

Well.
I can honestly say that I saw this coming.
Thank you for having me waste my time and money.
Thank you for lying to me and making me think that my friend was lying to me.
Thank you for making me think that I meant something.
Thank you for never calling me pretty or beautiful when every other guy on this planet did.
Thank you for never wanting to talk to me.
Thank you for dis-inviting me to sleep over and go to parties with you.

But most of all, I really want to say thank you for helping me realize how much I was right these past four years. Thank you for helping me see that I must never, ever put my walls down for any man. Thank you for helping me see that I should never put a man before myself. Thank you for teaching me how much I must never trust a human that carries around a dick like it's the best thing to ever have to somebody.


Thanks for hurting me.
Thanks for being the reason why I just lost 8 pounds puking my fucking insides out.
Thanks for giving me the worst head ache ever.
Thanks for having me cry in the arms of my mother.
Thanks for the high hopes that you decided to crash the fuck down and drown me in.

Dick.

Are you still dizzy? My body's been a mess.

I am so fucking cold right now.
I'm at Mary's with an empty bag of funyuns and a full bottle of powerade and a not so full back of camel menthes.
Ohhhhey Dexter Season 4.