thankfully noone reads these things.

it gives me more motivation to vent.

sooo... i thought i remembered everything from that night but apparently i didnt.

because a repressed memory hit me. and it hit me pretty hard.

after he did it. we were both shaking.

i was shaking out of fear. i suspect he was shaking out of shame.

at least i hope so.

he threw my clothes from the car floor to the front and let me back up. he asked me where i needed to get dropped off at. my cell phone was dead. five hours later and i had no idea if my friends were still at the mall. i told him to go there. he walked with me but didn't touch me. he couldn't even look at me. i had bruises. i seriously had bruises from him. i could barely walk because my body ached and i was shaking so much that my legs were barely stable. i searched that entire mall with the man that just raped me and i couldnt find a single soul to run too. he told me they must have left me and i started to cry. we walked back to his car and he dropped me off at a gas station not too far from bpt because he needed to go find his cousins. i had no idea where i was and i walked for almost an hour until i found something at least some what remember-able. i was close to a friend arthur's house. i had remembered that that monster told me mark would be there. i thought it was my best friend mark. my mind was so fucked up that i had completely forgotten that mark was working and that it was a different mark, so, crying, i told art goodbye without telling him what had happened (surely he wouldnt believe me. how could someone like his best friend do that to a girl? i was right, because he doesn't. to this day.) i kept walking. i noticed megs house. i knock on her door and she answers and i just..... i collapsed. i collapsed in her arms and couldnt pull myself together. just her touching me hurt me because my body was so fucking swollen and aching. all i could say was that he made me do it. i couldnt speak any other words but those. she told me that everyone was still at the mall where mark worked while he was closing up. her and her mum drove me there.

we get there and i told them. my ex best / becoming best again - friend - was there as well. i looked her right in the eyes and told her. and she still denies what he did to me. even though he TOLD her, etc.

i had to tell annette that night.

i had to watch her cry and i couldnt do anything about it.

i had to get a pregnancy test because he was too drugged up to wrap it.

i lost my dignity. a lot of my friends. my mother's trust in guys for me. my trust in boys...

yeah. i'm never going to recover.

ever.