i want to have a boyfriend. i want to fall in love. i want to have sex. i want to MAKE love. i want to be fucking happy with a man. i want to get married one day. i want to have a family. i want to have a child. i want to be loved by someone. i don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. this isn't fucking fair at all. every time i go anywhere i see a happy couple. it isn't right. why should i have to live like this? why the fuck can't i get over this? other victims do. why the fuck can't i? why the fuck did you do this to me in the first place? how the fuck can you just fucking live your life not even asking if i'm okay? why wont you at least fucking admit what you did to those who STILL fucking think i LIED about this? i can't fucking believe you ruined me like this. i remember when i was with you every fucking day. i remember being in love with you. i remember having sex with you just so you'd fucking tell me that you loved me. i remember being happy and you promising me that we'd get married one day. i even remember when we thought i was pregnant and you promised we'd have a family. get a house. share a life together. why the fuck did you have to do this to me? i cant have one fucking night asleep without seeing you fucking rape me. i cant fucking breathe right now. i fucking hate myself for this. you've made me fucking hate myself. all i am to any guy anymore is a fucking rape victim. i'm damaged fucking goods because of you. you fucking broke my integrity. you broke everything good that i had going for my future. i fucking have nobody because of you. i cant fucking be alone with any guy without being scared that theyre going to fucking rape me. i cant. i cant do this. anymore. i dont want to fucking be alive. it literally hurts me to fucking be alive. it fucking pains me to see people happy when i'm miserable. i cant even keep down food at the moment. i cant fucking pretend to be strong anymore. i cant pretend that i'm pretty anymore or that i have potential. i cant fucking lie to myself. i'm fucking useless. i'm not even a good friend. i'm nothing. i have nothing fucking going for me.

i don't know what i would do if i ever lost annette. she is my best friend; she is everything to me and i don't even know how to be stable just thinking about it.
i know she doesn't have much time left and that thought alone makes me fucking sick to my stomach.
i wish she told me about this hospital shit that's going to be going on tomorrow.
i cant even fucking comprehend how scared i am. and... how... weird... it'd be in my home if it was just andre and i. no mother there to clean up after us or cook for us or care for us or love us.

i don't know what to do.
i don't know who to talk to.
i don't know who to go to.
i don't know how to react.

Green finch, and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate
sitting in cages
never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits
beckoning!
Beckoning!
Just beyond the bars...
How can you remain
staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
anything?
How is it you sing?
My cage has many rooms
damask and dark...
Nothing there sings,
not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
when they're captive.
Teach me to be more
adaptive.
Ah.....
Green Finch, and Linnet Bird,
nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly...
Let me sing.

abckatdefg (1:09:59 PM):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Chase<3

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:12:02 PM):

No, Kat. Take the <3>

abckatdefg (1:12:27 PM):

?!

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:12:44 PM):

That guy's a loser. He wasn't a vampire just because he drank blood.

abckatdefg (1:12:51 PM):

<.<

abckatdefg (1:12:52 PM):

>.>

abckatdefg

1:14 pm

abckatdefg (1:14:24 PM):

takeitbackyouliar.

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:14:52 PM):

...He drank people's blood because he believed the nazis were after him. Not because he thought he was a vampire.

abckatdefg (1:17:34 PM):

thats what he wants you to think...

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:18:03 PM):

...I guess he does have the telltale signs of a Malkavian.

abckatdefg (1:18:31 PM):

you and that fucking game!

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:19:27 PM):

;D GANGREL4LIFE

abckatdefg (1:21:55 PM):

wow

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:22:05 PM):

Alright, Gryffindor.

abckatdefg (1:25:20 PM):

your just jealous that the hat put you in slytherin.

abckatdefg (1:25:22 PM):

thhhhhhhhhhhhhh\

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:26:41 PM):

No no, you're doing it wrong. It's more like this... thhhhhhhhhhhhh

abckatdefg (1:27:55 PM):

.... thats exactly what i said

abckatdefg (1:28:56 PM):

although you just sounded like hermione: "Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOHHHHHHsa, not... LevioSAH."

TheGatdamnBatDan (1:29:37 PM):

...I dunno why I love you.

abckatdefg (1:29:56 PM):

charisma?

life with batdan

abckatdefg (11:38:45 PM):
i am now inspecting my body for more freckles: one on my thigh near my vag. one ON my boob. two behind my good lobe. three around my bad ankle. a few on my arms.
...... god dammit.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:38:57 PM):
Heh heh heh...
abckatdefg (11:39:04 PM):
what?!
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:39:13 PM):
Need help? >;D
abckatdefg (11:39:19 PM):
sigh.
abckatdefg (11:39:24 PM):
sure... brother.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:39:46 PM):
Like that's gonna sway my opinion :)
abckatdefg (11:39:54 PM):
sigh.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:40:07 PM):
Fine, whatever.
abckatdefg (11:40:43 PM):
<3?!
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:40:58 PM):
I'll think about it.
abckatdefg (11:41:22 PM):
i think i have a birth mark on my ass cheek too. i cant remember though. hold on
abckatdefg (11:41:41 PM):
left.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:41:42 PM):
Okay but really. Why are you telling me any of this? It's not like you want me to see you naked.
abckatdefg (11:41:59 PM):
im just talking!
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:42:11 PM):
And you're also telling me about your body. So what am I picturing now?
abckatdefg (11:42:31 PM):
a borrrrrito.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:42:51 PM):
...It's burrito, and I hate you.
abckatdefg (11:43:24 PM):
no you dont!
abckatdefg (11:43:38 PM):
and i was saying it like *bohhhhh-reeeee-tohhhh*
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:43:52 PM):
I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE BURRITO.
abckatdefg (11:44:02 PM):
i'm hungry now.
TheGatdamnBatDan (11:44:09 PM):
Wow.

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=6687275&albumID=772795&imageID=12363883#a=772795&i=9942245



^ why did i put myself through this?
why did i look at this?
why did i have to bring myself back to this time in my life?

i should have known that it was all a fucking lie.
the only time he'd EVER tell me that he loved me was when i'd give in and let him fuck me. correction: when i'd fuck him. i'd have to do all of the work.

is this what my life is going to be from now on?
never forgetting or getting the fuck over it?
put me in a fucking straight jacket and shoot me up with some fucking drugs, because i'd legitimately do anything to move on.

i would do anything just to forget.

I hate that I can't say anything positive about myself.
I hate that I am revolted by my appearance.
I hate how I have stretch marks.
I hate how I have so much fat on my body.
I hate how I have cuts on my thigh and these damn scars just wont go away no matter what I try to do.
I hate how I'm the reason why they're there.
I hate how I cant even continue to write because I think all of my words are shit.
I hate how my photography sucks and how I'm letting my grandfather down.
I hate how I can't get over being battered and beaten by more then half of the men that I've ever allowed into my life.
I hate how I am a human pushpin.
I hate how I can't get over being forced to have sex by someone who's "getting his life back together" while mine is in shambles.
I hate how even thinking about applying for a job brings on a panic attack.
I hate how I hurt men now because other men have hurt me in the past.
I hate how my hair looks like a black fuzzy mop.
I hate my legs.
I hate my arms.
I hate my eyes.
My ears.
My nose.
I hate my stomach.
I hate my thighs.
My forehead.
I hate how I used to be so fucking amazing at singing and now I sound like a car accident.
I hate how my best friend died in a car accident and that bit backed up, then drove away.
I hate how that bitch will never get what she fully deserves.
I hate how I cant be there for my friends 24/7.
I hate how I always bitch about my life when others have lives worse then I do.

I'm sorry.

just a little message to my best girls:
you are fucking beautiful. & don't you dare let anyone, or your own thoughts for that matter, tell you other wise. <3 i love you.