I'm so happy.

Yes, I was really nervous before, but hanging out with him, I just realize that that was absolutely me just being paranoid. So that's all good and well.

& I am so fucking stoked about my promotion to permanent. That worry was eating away at me from all sides.

Soon I shall be going to college online for business. I wish I could experience it like the rest of my friends, but this isn't possible because of the attacks but I suppose there's some sort of cosmic reason for that unbeknownst to be, so I'll let that be.

Sometimes I look at my ex's like Jimmy or Steve... Sometimes that just fucks up my insides, but I need to keep telling myself that they're so far in my past that I can't even let them become my present again. Ever. Even if my thoughts are incredibly consistent with their reappearance.

I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter what happens to me... it just wont kill me. I need to get back up, brush the dirt off and keep on walkin'

HATERZGONHATELIKELAWLZ.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything.

I fucking hate this.

I feel like everything from here on out will be totally fucking different.

Hell, I know it will be.

We're all going to grow apart. And I know, I know... that's life. But I don't fucking like it.

Not one bit.

I feel like my hearts being ripped out right now.

These are the days I can never, ever allow myself to forget.

You held me in your arms, kissed my forehead and told me that I was ugly inside. You told me that I was almost as ugly on the inside as I was on the outside... and then you left me. You walked out of my room, down my steps, out my side-door and you just left me there. You never texted me or called me again.

I know that I have no reason to even be thinking of you right now. I'm happy. But... Those words... they've stuck in my subconscious until just now, and they exploded inside my head. Now this is all I can think about.

I hate how words can have such power over someone.

I really wish you never passed away :/
Lately I've been reminded of a lot of inside jokes that we have.
& I still get the urge to go on aim, see your screenname, see you say "heey dahhhling!" to me and we'd just.... talk. For fucking hours. And then realize that that isn't good enough to we'd walk up the street to meet up with each other.
I just wish we could still sing together.
I wish we could still laugh together and just...... be best friends still.
I still can't believe that even after so long since your passing I still have a difficult time holding a grip on this reality.
I really do wish that there was a heaven out there.
Then I'd be able to see you again.

I've put up a fucking lot from you. You've always lied to me. You've always put me down and made me feel like shit about myself. You've always treated my mum and I like shit with your fucking anger issues. This is not how you fucking treat your daughter. I never demanded that you even give me money. The only time I asked for it to begin with was for fucking food and bus money. I'm sorry that I need to eat and get around. I don't ask you to buy me a fucking car. I ask, no sorry, asked for two fucking dollars and some change. How the fuck are you gonna go behind my back and keep tabs on me like this? This is why you have no one. You let money control your fucking life. You became a cold hearted hypocrite. I am awfully excited for the day that you look back on your life and ask yourself "Shit. What have I become?"

Life is exactly what you make of it, & if you don't step forward then you will always be five steps further back from everyone else's progress. Mark me.

I know not what will happen to me in my future, but one thing I do know for sure is that no matter WHAT comes my way, I'll survive. I am durable and I am capable.