I'm just so fucking depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up, in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when, I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm startin' to feel distant again, so I decided to just pick this pen
Up to try to make an attempt to vent, but I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shits so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you got to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside eachothers minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through eachothers eyes
But don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humour
Everything's so tense and gloom, I
Almost feel like I gotta check the temperature of the room
Just as soon as I walk in, It's like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that it then it opens the door for conversation, like I want that
I'm not looking for extra attention, I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fuckin' man servant, tryna follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack, and half of them ain't even funny, like "AAHHHHH!
Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down, listen to the tale I'm about to tell, hell
We don't gotta trade our shoes, and you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside eachothers minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through eachothers eyes
But don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could of either just sat on my ass, and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me, keep making that face til it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there holding my tounge, tryna talk like BLEGH!
Then I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign pole at eight years old
I learned my lesson then, 'cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based off my description
Cause where you see it form where you're sitting, is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a miles in eachothers shoes at least
What size you wear, I wear 10's, let's see if you can fit your feet.

i wonder if shit will ever change for me.
i am envious over friends of mine because they can fuck around with and date other guys.

i mean, i could too. no doubt about that.

boys fall in love with me. boys fight over me. boys want me. boys use me. boys ask me out...

but why is it that when one holds me, i feel nothing?

why is it that when one kisses me or hugs me i feel empty?

i dont understand what is wrong with my head.

i mean, i understand.

but really - i don't...

i don't even know if i have the job or if i don't, but fear is forbidding me to think positive.

i wish i was heartless so i could stop caring about people and how they fucking treat me.

i wish i moved far away so i could start my entire life over.

i wish i had talent that could actually get me somewhere in life that wasn't writing and photography, since that obviously wont get me much money if any at all.

i wish i actually had a chance at getting a job when i go job hunting tomorrow.

i wish you and i never became friends in the first place.

you think i don't know how i look to everyone? you think i don't know that i probably look like a liar even though i'm NOT lying because you treat everyone golden but me? you think that makes me feel good about myself? i feel like fucking shit.

i want to run away.

i want to leave to the point of not kidding anymore.

the only reason why i'm still here is for the few close friends that i have but after this summer they'll be gone as well. then what? what will i have then? parents who are practically already on their death beds?

what hurts the most is that this is all my fault.

it's my fault that i might not get a job. i'm the one who dropped out of highschool.

it's my fault i don't trust people. i don't even trust myself.

it's my fault i was raped. i'm the dumbass who loved him in the first place.

it's my fault i went out with guys who beat me.

its my fault i went out with guys who called me fat and ugly.

its my fault i stayed friends with an asshole.

its my fault that karma hates me.

its my fault that i have so many health issues.

its all my fault. and i can't fix the half of it.

thankfully noone reads these things.

it gives me more motivation to vent.

sooo... i thought i remembered everything from that night but apparently i didnt.

because a repressed memory hit me. and it hit me pretty hard.

after he did it. we were both shaking.

i was shaking out of fear. i suspect he was shaking out of shame.

at least i hope so.

he threw my clothes from the car floor to the front and let me back up. he asked me where i needed to get dropped off at. my cell phone was dead. five hours later and i had no idea if my friends were still at the mall. i told him to go there. he walked with me but didn't touch me. he couldn't even look at me. i had bruises. i seriously had bruises from him. i could barely walk because my body ached and i was shaking so much that my legs were barely stable. i searched that entire mall with the man that just raped me and i couldnt find a single soul to run too. he told me they must have left me and i started to cry. we walked back to his car and he dropped me off at a gas station not too far from bpt because he needed to go find his cousins. i had no idea where i was and i walked for almost an hour until i found something at least some what remember-able. i was close to a friend arthur's house. i had remembered that that monster told me mark would be there. i thought it was my best friend mark. my mind was so fucked up that i had completely forgotten that mark was working and that it was a different mark, so, crying, i told art goodbye without telling him what had happened (surely he wouldnt believe me. how could someone like his best friend do that to a girl? i was right, because he doesn't. to this day.) i kept walking. i noticed megs house. i knock on her door and she answers and i just..... i collapsed. i collapsed in her arms and couldnt pull myself together. just her touching me hurt me because my body was so fucking swollen and aching. all i could say was that he made me do it. i couldnt speak any other words but those. she told me that everyone was still at the mall where mark worked while he was closing up. her and her mum drove me there.

we get there and i told them. my ex best / becoming best again - friend - was there as well. i looked her right in the eyes and told her. and she still denies what he did to me. even though he TOLD her, etc.

i had to tell annette that night.

i had to watch her cry and i couldnt do anything about it.

i had to get a pregnancy test because he was too drugged up to wrap it.

i lost my dignity. a lot of my friends. my mother's trust in guys for me. my trust in boys...

yeah. i'm never going to recover.

ever.

I've made my bed, so I'll lie in it.
I've dug my grave, so God help me die in it.

////////////////////////////////////

mind you, i'm still in a reasonably happy state in my life, but seeing as i'm manic depressive...

well, i have my moments.

you.

you are such a fucking hypocrite. you are a liar. you are a terrible person to be around. you act like an abusive fucking boyfriend and i don't even fucking want you like that. you curse me out. you talk down on me and my integrity. you tell me i'm a terrible friend. you tell me things like "shut the fuck up" when you start your arguments with me. you always make me feel bad for liking other guys when it's clearly impossible for me to ever date or have a future with one, yet its perfectly fucking okay for you to talk to, about, hang out with, or hook up with other chicks. funny. and it's not that i care that you do any of those things, because i assure you, i really fucking don't, what i care about is how fucking hypocritical you are with me. i'm "not allowed" to injure myself (when i've had BDD since i was a fucking child) whereas you make 18 cuts on your shoulder within your entire existence and you want to get XVIII tattooed on your to "express your harsh and tiresome battle with depression' my fucking ass! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S FUCKING LIKE. again, this isn't like a battle: who has more cuts, who has more scars. it's the principal of things. it's like an insult. but no, i think what upsets me the most is that you tell everyone that our fights are all my fault. especially when you start oh, what, about 91% of them? yep. sounds about right. i am so tired of looking like a bad person with people.

i'm all about respect, so why the fuck must i be disrespected?

okay, /rant.

:D

:)

my life is reasonably amazing atm. & i refuse to let this feeling end.
i am completely comforted by the fact that the friends that i have in my life right at this moment will always be in my life. and i love every bit of that.

i just received my first tattoos and was accepted on fyt.

i received a new phone (enV3) & i am infuckinglove with it something fierce.

i'm going to henry james with annette and andre on sunday which is a place we used to go to every day after i was done school for eight years of my childhood to have a proper lunch.

next week annette and i are going up to the plymouth meeting mall so i can job hunt.

i'm not being rushed to move out or even get a job (although the determination is definitely there, nevertheless) and i am ridiculously comforted by this because no rush = no stress.

i just feel like everything is shaping up for me a bit.

thank you for always being there for me, girls, might i add.

words definitely cannot express how grateful i am for that. i love you to death.