predictable.

so, with the situation that happened yestaday, i'm sure that you could see this blog coming from a mile away.

when someone calls what happened to me being "my dirty little secret" and that "obviously your gona let 1 bad experience ruin ur entire life."

it's not just one bad experience. he was my boyfriend. i trusted him with my fucking life and he ruined mine. it goes a bit past one bad experience when the man that you love refuses to let you go back to your friends, locks you in his car, and fucking hits you and rips off your clothes until you let him fuck you without him even being hard.
its so fucking... difficult... to be able to trust any man past the stage of "just talking". i just cant. no matter what kind of man he is. i don't care if he wouldn't hurt a fly, i don't fucking trust him, because anything in one man's personality can change. there's a monster in every man, and i don't care what they try to say just to change my mind on that. i've been proven otherwise.


furthermore- let me put my record straight:
i used to be in love with relationships. as this has already been established... what with knowing my track record and everything. what, is it coincidental that ever since jim i cant even bring myself to have a relationship for over a fucking week? no. it's not.

& i'm sorry that I don't chose to date your weird, clingy ass unintelligent fucking friend.
:) have a nice day.

-.-

i am currently content with my life at the moment.
i have two exams left, two, and i am done highschool.
that's such a large milestone for me.
then i'll be employed some place and moving towards some big goals.

AND! i shall be receiving my tax returns soon :)
i'm going to be purchasing all of rob zombie's films, disturbia and eagle eye.
bookwise? i'm going to get looking for alaska, patient zero, dawn of the dreadfuls, and the zombie survival guide.


soooogooood.

i used to think that not knowing the future was something beautiful, but now i'm starting to believe that it's a curse.

kay

mark my words- death is the most disgusting presence known to man and nature. it leaves you crippled and, ironically, wishing for it. for me, death was the new definition of my best friend. i was a child, only fifteen, and so was she, but sixteen. she was the most beautiful girl i had ever and will ever meet. her eyes were incandescent and her voice was immortal; i just wish she was. for me, death was being walked down an isle to an open casket, holding the hand of what was once my other half, now cold stone and holding resembling a complete stranger. for me, death was watching her mother collapse on her daughters casket begging, on her knees, to God for her daughter's life back.

she begged.
i'm begging.

so bring her the fuck back, okay?
i don't even care if it has to be as some creepy little ghostie that always follows me around. i'm just tired of having to live life without her.

i am continuously asked why i smoke.
the first thing that comes to mind is a quote from Looking For Alaska, "Ya'll smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die."
poetic, yes. but i find this most fitting.
other then the actual addiction, i smoke because my addiction gives me control on the finality of my life. while other people live in fear on how they will die, i live knowing that it will more then likely, probably be because of my addiction. i will die of smoking, and with this fact i am not scared of death.
Game over? No. Mine is just beginning.

dekfghelrt

basically, i'm going to write here because i feel like i have noone else that i can talk to about this. and i can't not talk about it because this has been eating at me for fucking forever, now.

what the fuck is the point of my life anymore?
really?
i'm not going to be anything great. at the most- i'll be a manager. and probably at a place that i hate. i'm never going to have kids. i can't. i'm never going to have a husband let alone a fucking relationship ever again because that monster ruined everything i had going for me. i'm going to be living alone. i'll probably have no friends when i'm older. what the fuck is the point? aren't i just a waste of fucking space at this point? i'm not a dumb ass. i wont fall for that "every body / every thing has a reason" bull shit. not anymore. because what the fuck was the reason for all of this shit to ever happen to me? karma, my fucking ass.
i feel like every thing is falling apart for me. i could have been done school by now, but i'm holding myself back. why? because i'm fucking terrified. what if no body hires me? what if i never save up enough money? i have nothing. i already feel like i have nobody. i fucking annoy and set back my friends. i can't even fucking do drugs or drink anymore because i have to take fucking pills that aren't even working at this point because i'm still a fucking psycho.
i just don't want to fucking do this anymore. i want to fucking either move far away or just disappear altogether. fuck ///

:/

close your eyes little girl, you're a princess now, you own this world.
twirling in your twirly dress, you're the loveliest far above the rest.
you build your castles in the skies, stars reflecting off your eyes.
& angels sing on silver clouds, & no one cries, screams, or shouts.

oh set apart this dream // set apart this dream for me.

close your eyes pretty girl, cause it's easier when you brace yourself.
set your thoughts on a world far off, where we only cry from joy.

oh set apart this dream // set apart this dream for me.

oh lovely & beautiful, precious and priceless.
you're so much more than you know, heart of the purest gold.
pure clean & white snow, clothed in such splendor, oh what a beauty for me.