basically, i'm going to write here because i feel like i have noone else that i can talk to about this. and i can't not talk about it because this has been eating at me for fucking forever, now.
what the fuck is the point of my life anymore?
really?
i'm not going to be anything great. at the most- i'll be a manager. and probably at a place that i hate. i'm never going to have kids. i can't. i'm never going to have a husband let alone a fucking relationship ever again because that monster ruined everything i had going for me. i'm going to be living alone. i'll probably have no friends when i'm older. what the fuck is the point? aren't i just a waste of fucking space at this point? i'm not a dumb ass. i wont fall for that "every body / every thing has a reason" bull shit. not anymore. because what the fuck was the reason for all of this shit to ever happen to me? karma, my fucking ass.
i feel like every thing is falling apart for me. i could have been done school by now, but i'm holding myself back. why? because i'm fucking terrified. what if no body hires me? what if i never save up enough money? i have nothing. i already feel like i have nobody. i fucking annoy and set back my friends. i can't even fucking do drugs or drink anymore because i have to take fucking pills that aren't even working at this point because i'm still a fucking psycho.
i just don't want to fucking do this anymore. i want to fucking either move far away or just disappear altogether. fuck ///
If Maddie, Sam, Jamie and I are nothing, then shit.
ReplyDeleteWe love you, Kat. I really wish you wouldn't think this way about yourself. You guys mean the world to me. I've already lost a lot of friends, and I don't want to lose you or Maddie or Sam or Jamie. I hope that someday you'll be able to overcome everything that you're feeling. I know it's hard. I can empathize with part of what you're feeling.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I love you and I'm always here for you if you need something. You can be something great, and I hope you gain the confidence to believe it yourself.
I completely agree with you and I completely agree with Katie.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree on what you're saying about yourself but I feel the same exact way.
I'll always be your friend no matter what. And now you have it in writing so if I ever forget you can remind me. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE ME NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO LOSE ME. PROMISE.
However, I know exactly how you're feeling. I also know the feeling will pass. You're here because you're an awesome friend to all of us. You're here because you can't smoke when you're dead. You're here because you write like a fucking pro. You're here because if you weren't I might be dead by now.
I could keep going.
I think the one you need to focus on is the not smoking when you're dead part. I doubt there are cigarettes in heaven or hell.
Anyhow.
I love you, for what it's worth.
Which is basically nothing as far as I've learned, but it's the thought that counts you know.
I WILL be your friend forever.
ReplyDeleteAs well as the ladies that already told you this right above me.
I understand why you're feeling this way, and I wish there was someway I could make it easier for you.
Truthfully, I think you need different pills. Not because I think you're "psycho" but because they make it insanely hard for you to have fun with your friends. Yess, yesss, we shouldn't have to drink or anything to have fun. But fuck it. It is fun sometimes and it's something you're left out of. And you're already left out of enough. Like relationships and your family. Because of one monster that ruined your chances of ever having a normal relationship that you're comfortable with. And an ignorant family that just wants some babies.
btw. you can always talk to me. about anything.
i love you.