I want a chance to do everything differently.

Just one chance. Please?

Revelation: Hypocrisy and karma go hand in hand.

I've been really bad with my medication lately and I've been having panic attacks through the roof, and for that, my lovely friends, I am deeply sorry, and I send out the most heart-felt apologies to you all.

I need to listen to the very advice that I, myself, send out to other people. I need to learn how to say you do what you need to do in life, and fuck the rest. Fuck whoever and whatever tries to stop you from acting out on your own volitions. The healthiest of lives is those that take account for their own actions, does good for themselves and for those they love, and just pays absolutely no mind to the scum that tries to contaminate their lives.

I'm just going to stop trying.

Lessons, Learned.

You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth.
We all die; The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.
The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly.
The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report, don't participate.
There are a lot of things we don't want to know about the people we love.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying, organic matter as everyone else and we are all a part of the same compost pile.
All of the effort in the world won't matter if you aren't inspired.
Your handwriting, the way you walk, which china pattern you choose... It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary.
In a world where billions believe their deity conceived a mortal child with a virgin human, it's stunning how little imagination most people display.
Yes, terrible things happen. But, sometimes, those terrible things... They save you.
You must jump into disaster with both feet!
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined efforts of everyone I've ever known.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.
You will always have some excuse not to live your life.
Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room: You feel really silly.
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF AND GO LIVE THERE.
When you don't share your problems, you resent hearing the problems of other people.
It's easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It's a lot more difficult to preform one.
If you could be God's worst enemy or nothing at all which would you choose?

I think it's funny when I look at both sides of my own selfish thinking.

It frustrates me how much I can't piece together my life.
I feel like every god damn person has a reason on this fucking planet except for me.
And if everything DOES happen for a reason then why the fuck did she did? Or why the FUCK did he rape me? Or why the FUCK did they break my fucking knee caps in with a bat or slam my fucking head into a brick wall or tell me that I'm worthless and disgusting and hideous? Why the fuck did I have to make such a god damn bad rep for myself? Why the fuck does everyone hate me so fucking much?
Why the fuck doesn't any one give me another chance? I'm a good fucking person. Why can't people just fucking see this? I try so god damn fucking hard to be liked and accepted by people while at the same time just being myself and, I hate to be a hypocrite, but it isn't fucking working at all. I feel so fucking annoying and obnoxious and I don't even genuinely think anything positive about myself. And I know, I know, blahblahblah go cry more bullshit, right?
But here's the thing. I'm not even typing for pity, I'm typing to try and piece together what ever the fuck the meaning for MY life is.
There has to be some logical explanation why Jenna died, and I took her place. How and why did I make it to this fucking earth but she didn't? My parents are right, she probably WOULD have been a better daughter, hell, even a better PERSON than whatever the fuck it is that I am. There has to be some logical explanation for everything in my life, and it's drives me fucking MAD that I can't figure it out.
It drives me up a fucking wall that I have potential but my fucking mind prevents me from acting it out. And I know that I need to fight it but I just... can't. I just fucking can't. I can't fight the panic attacks or the paranoia. I can't fight any of it.
I am just one fucking person. I am just one fucking woman. I'm just a little fucking girl, for fuck's sake. I can't fucking do this on my own!
Why the fuck did you take away my best friend? Why the fuck did you take away the one person that made me good? How the fuck could you do that to us? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I'm so fucking mad at you and I don't even know if you fucking exist or not.
You probably even don't, which would make sense, because I have no one to be mad at but my fucking self. Every bad thing that's ever happened to me, I can definitely blame myself for, me, no one else. If only she had stayed over, she'd be alive. If only I chose to not take you back, you would have never raped me. If only I had decided to stand up for myself, you wouldn't have broken a damn bone in my body; You wouldn't have said one damn thing about me in any negative way.
While most girls are programmed that they're beautiful or that they're strong or confident, I've been programmed to believe that I wasn't the one who should have been fucking born. I was programmed to believe that I am so repulsive in both a physical and personal aspect that no one truly wants to be around me. I'm a pity fuck.
I'm a pity friend. Hell, I don't do a damn good thing for anyone but just fucking be there. I just hold your secrets, I just help you when you cry. But I can't give you anything else and that kills me.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? GOD DAMN YOU. God damn you for warping my fucking mind. I don't even know how to be a girlfriend to a normal fucking guy. I'm used to just having to buy them whatever they tell me to buy them, or to just fucking hold still while they hit me. I feel so fucking pathetic.
God dammit I can't even fucking pull myself together.
& God fucking hell I miss you Kayla. I can't even remember your fucking touch anymore; I can't even fucking remember what your hugs felt like! I can't even remember the sound of your voice. The only thing I remember about you is how you'd say my name. & You know what? I'm going to fucking hold on to that until my last breath.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.